Been working night shifts for min. wage 8pm-8am at homebase to cover rent.
So many things are causing such a struggle, so many bills amd shit. Need time to breathe, as i write this now i keep flickering my eyes at the clock thinking i need to be asleep as i got to go back to work tonight.
It's so odd like working these shifts, 12 hours is a long time yet time just doesnt exist when i'm on the shop floor.
My manager who is a stressed scouse stressed the fact time doesn't exist, watches do. We made time up, which is true i guess. It's a long time to think about things and have deep conversations that for sure. Whilst doing the hard labouring of merchandising. I'm lucky that i'm there with joe and josh otherwise i would been sure to cut myself with a stanley knife. It's become a ritual, just a massive blur. Thankfully tomorrow is the last night, i need a day where i spend it just by myself. My life is a mess, my room is a mess, finicials, social, everything is a mess. Though just don't care that much anymore.
"I could feel a faint shift in a faraway place. A current of unknown consequences was on its way, moving towards me like an unstoppable wave of fate. "
I've kind of forgotten my point, probably because i'm over tired. I'm also furious that every job i apply to says "must have a good grasp of english" call me facist or whatever but i am fucking fed up of reading that then not getting any responses. I spend alot of my time at work thinking about the government, which may seem annoying reading this, i know it isn't ignorance as i'm trying to grasp what is happening. But i feel so cheated by it, i hate to think my grandparents are being taxed ridiculously and still having to work, how the next generation are paying for the previous generations debts, how people aren't supportive to students, how i can't get a fucking job. I seriously bullied myself that i was inadequate and that was the reason, fucking isn't.
I also hate those people who like to make it awkward for themselves and deliberately get on the train where the bike rack is having in mind knowing how busy it will be 8.30am. Then deciding to kick off at you for being in the way, not on my nelly, i've ripped off various peoples heads off this week.
Room stinks, fishes starting to stink, i stink. Need time to clean everything.