Wednesday, 27 July 2011

My retreat.

Oh the joys, the fucking joys of money. The joys of coffee, the joys of being a complete art fag blogging in a cafe which isn't a chain, OH THE FUCKING JOYS. To be out of my house, it's a big one. I can't stand to be in those rotting four walls which are so retched.
Met our new housemate rachel, she is very lovely which is a huge relief as the house was falling to bits at one point. Saw my new room again, it will be weird to live in a large space again. I feel like being in a small room i've managed to compact myself, i always feel on edge in it, everything is so close and crowded.
I'm meant to be packing now, but fuck that seriously. I have so much shit, it's beyond me. Though tonight i will dedicate to ebaying items, sorting out clothes and minimize my wardrobe which needs to happen.
Got distracted there, ran out of minutes and coffee refill. I felt like if i didn't buy anything else just a coffee they would judge me for stealing their internet. So i bought this involuntary cookie, it really isn't worth it. 
But yeah i drew this lady up there, out of boredom, should of been packing, fuck packing. 
I just realised after this week, my awful summer will be over. The bleakness of the scraping and scrawling will be over. THANK FUCK. Seriously this has been the worst summer, compared to last year, well it doesn't compare. Once July is done with August and September, mostly September will be ultimate. 
I've also done this, i've got so many doodles and bits of stuff i have drawn, they really only come into their own once edited. And i will go out of my way not to pack, and edit these probably tonight. 

There isn't much point in this post, i just can't emphasis how much this cafe chills me out, fucking hell. I can't explain it, or whatever but yeah. I can't wait to turn my back on summer, this has been a joke. 

God bless europeans in their short shorts, they have overruled bournemouth with their thighs and buttocks. Mostly the men, i never seen so many europeans in Bournemouth. Even though we english (well i dunno about me, fill in race remarks "chinese, japanese, ect") are europeans, we don't act like it. 
Like i love how continental europe is, which the odd foods and traditions. English is so bland, we are like a potato. I don't even like potatoes, so there you go. 

This reminds me, of the last post i was writing but then forgot as joe got me stoned. Seriously need to stop being so lazy and a cliche. 
But yes, it was raining outside, i was trying to pack but ended up watching Etre et Avoir. It reminds me strongly when i lived in Belgium with my sister, the clothes, classrooms and scenery. 

Even though wasn't best of times then, i remember a lot vividly even though i was so young people didn't think that i would have. I stopped talking and was really weird, i'm not sure why i'm writing about this as it's not really easy. But yeah watching this film made me think back to a lot of things. 

This isn't the clip i wanted to put in, i couldn't find where Elize has a rubber stolen from her, but this will do. Jojo reminds me of myself when i was younger, especially with the "pardon, oui, pardon! oui! PARDON! oui... monsieur..."

I've purchased a new film today which will await me some point at the bottom of the stairs through the post.

Submarine, i don't know anything about it and i can't wait to watch it. I forgot how i used to buy random films and watch them, i've been lost since not working in Fopp. Where the fuck have i been!

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Comfort from a thousand pillows

Waking up early and sitting in a bed amongst several duvets and pillows listening to LAKE and Beach House rating tee shirts on Threadless. I am content to say the less, only wish my coffee hasn't run out but never mind.
Most of the designs on Threadless are so awful i swear, i'm being brutal with the marking. I'm just doing that before i submit any work, although i don't really know if i want to, if they get the license over the design so i couldn't use it again. I think i would rather create my own ones maybe, or go through Society 6.
My friend Arron has created a brand, you should check it out it's called The Secret Society, i'm meant to do some designs for him from my "Hey Ugly" thing. But being back at home has caused some obligations innit. I always pop into DogFish where he works whenever i'm in cambridge, it's always a pleasure to see arron.
Go fetch.

It's so nice being back home well currently at the moment, i can actually relaxed. Sleeping pattern is back to normal and i'm excited to draw some new things. Bournemouth was getting over crowding in my head, although i reckon i got to go back this weekend, i have fishes that depend on me, oh and joe.

I loved being back in Cambridge, even though i'm not from there. It's like 29 minutes away on the train which i used to commute every day for two years. Most people hate on it, but i guess they live there and are bored of it, but i come and go whenever i can have the time or money. I just love walking around and feeling very nostalgic, i need to finish my essay which i reckon i will be able to get done in Cambridge in one of the many coffee shops i went to often. Yeah i'm a cliche´ but i love it,  and at least i admit it. 

I know the video is weird but i'm enjoying being in a spacious room that feels fresh, sipping on coffee and listening to some spotify playlists. 
I'm pretty happy at the moment, i think what i liked about home is i was detached from people i guess in a way and was more all about myself. Became so comfortable just being with someone else a lot of the time i sort of forgot what, well i forgot. 

This year has been so fleeting, if i'm going to do well i need to be more self
     involved with work. I always imagined myself to be one of those people who later on in life has a great career but poor relations, but would be cool with that. I reckon i could be, aslong if i have a cat.

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Putting my finger in all the jam jars.

(In development)
A woman is surrounded by slithering serpents
Mila awakes to find she is being held down and seduced by a slithering dark entity. Gagged and restrained in a dark room alone, minutes seem like hours as her captor becomes increasingly aggressive. She soon employs a cunning tactic to overpower it.
7 minutes
Writer/Director – Sarah Peace
Executive Producer – Dean Evans
Animation Assistant – Yana Roykhman
Mila – Arna Walts
Dean Evans is an award winning (ITV Local 2006) Short Filmmaker and Producer. As founder of Independent Production company Retro Films, Dean has worked on various productions from feature length films to animation and Directing live street performances. 

Ok, i found this reasonable add on gumtree that wanted people to help make a animation. I was all for it, like yeah get some experience for next year. Pretty psyched and i got this in the email as the script. I don't know now, like i don't really care about porn. But i don't know if it's meant to be a brooding dark art with raunchy shit, or just plain porn. What worries me more is just hanging out with some grimy kids spending time making this if it weren't. I probably shouldn't of put this in a blog post incase it breeches some copyright rule. But who the fuck would want to copy that, if it was going to be pornographic at least make it good. The woman did ask for my views, i may just give them to her just saying that the only people i can imagine watching this. Would wear new rocks, stripped fingerless gloves, tacky pewter jewellery and like weird christian metal.

Oh well, might be completely wrong.

Sunday, 17 July 2011

One more thing.

I have this forever going battle in my head, where i'm constantly weighing our scenarios or problems.
And i see how everything even how different the topic is relates to another, how anything output is related to another. It's hard to explain, but i question my motives or something to do, and the outcomes or subjects would still be on the same level or meaning.
This doesn't make sense, but would be interested if anyone else found this.

May just be bullshit.

But bullshit i am. I drew this the other day, need to loosen up and find some new styles.

rehab time in essexs.

This has proven to be a long sequence of bad event for me, i am to blame for most of it and some not. If only i had more time to flatten things out and redeem myself but chances are always slim. So glad to come back home and have my grandparents try and help me out. Which makes me feel even worse as i know it's hard for them. I do wonder why i write this in my blog but i don't know, helps in a way. I don't particularly care who reads it or if you want to.
Got the most ridiculous letter from uni, saying i couldn't go into second year as i hadn't summit some work which i had. From five nights of night shifts i wake up to that, was horrific. Hopefully i have sorted it out as i did actually summit that work. Also i've pushed away someone special, my fault. Maybe for the best who knows, but at a time so low i regret it all how i acted and issues i have. Previous bad experiences with people has thrown me off so much, i probably should of let it in and stopped being a dick.
But oh well, fresh start. Feel like i've been denying myself all the opportunities in being more successful, not giving myself the best start. Also realising if i want to be a successful illustrator i really need to put my foot down and work hard. I used to be obsessed around work and sort of been mislead by trying to sort myself out, and not really getting anywhere.

This is Jayson, i decided to draw him.
Things are taking a right turn, i prefer this way. 

Saturday, 16 July 2011


Finally finished, the end of that long tiresome road of working as a merchandiser.
Thank god.
I've got another odd job lined up which is handing out club flyers, why not, why not. I've decided a permeant job is not essential, odd jobs are for me. I'd rather scrap and not know what i'm doing, as working full time kills me. Well, working full time in only a shit job.

Been awake since 11pm as few people came over and watched some shit, but since 4am i've been watching David Attenborough Trials of Life. I get emotional when i think about Attenborough i think he is so iconic, to me his is haha. Basically all night i've wanted to be sat at the dinner table on a sunday having a roast with my family watching a documentary he has done.
Also i want to get this..
This would complete me.
I've also decided what my favourite bug is, too me fucking ages to find out what it was called because i've been so hazed lately from exhaustion. Couldn't figure out what word to put in google, what i needed was "worm." Fucking hell i'm boring haha.
But yeah a Onychophora aka Peripatus velvet worm.
I've forgotten what the aim of this blog was, whenever i write something i pause, something inappropriate always happens.
Oh well was good whilst it lasted wasn't it. 

Thursday, 14 July 2011

It's vital that i sleep now.

Been working night shifts for min. wage 8pm-8am at homebase to cover rent.
So many things are causing such a struggle, so many bills amd shit. Need time to breathe, as i write this now i keep flickering my eyes at the clock thinking i need to be asleep as i got to go back to work tonight.
It's so odd like working these shifts, 12 hours is a long time yet time just doesnt exist when i'm on the shop floor.
My manager who is a stressed scouse stressed the fact time doesn't exist, watches do. We made time up, which is true i guess. It's a long time to think about things and have deep conversations that for sure. Whilst doing the hard labouring of merchandising. I'm lucky that i'm there with joe and josh otherwise i would been sure to cut myself with a stanley knife. It's become a ritual, just a massive blur. Thankfully tomorrow is the last night, i need a day where i spend it just by myself. My life is a mess, my room is a mess, finicials, social, everything is a mess. Though just don't care that much anymore.

"I could feel a faint shift in a faraway place. A current of unknown consequences was on its way, moving towards me like an unstoppable wave of fate. "
My life at the moment is very much like this film, which i've watched ages ago been a long while. But then thinking about it, this is bullshit. This boy is moping about a girl, and has insomia and works 8 hours shifts, making out 8 hours is so long and how he controls the time. 8 hours is nothing mate, sometimes i think a film should be based on me, i know this isn't very modest, but it would be interesting to say the least and would have better reasons. Pah.

I've kind of forgotten my point, probably because i'm over tired. I'm also furious that every job i apply to says "must have a good grasp of english" call me facist or whatever but i am fucking fed up of reading that then not getting any responses. I spend alot of my time at work thinking about the government, which may seem annoying reading this, i know it isn't ignorance as i'm trying to grasp what is happening. But i feel so cheated by it, i hate to think my grandparents are being taxed ridiculously and still having to work, how the next generation are paying for the previous generations debts, how people aren't supportive to students, how i can't get a fucking job. I seriously bullied myself that i was inadequate and that was the reason, fucking isn't.

I also hate those people who like to make it awkward for themselves and deliberately get on the train where the bike rack is having in mind knowing how busy it will be 8.30am. Then deciding to kick off at you for being in the way, not on my nelly, i've ripped off various peoples heads off this week.

Room stinks, fishes starting to stink, i stink. Need time to clean everything.

Friday, 8 July 2011

floating about

Compared how i been in the past couple of months this is the best i've been, yet i'm in so much shit with money and bills. I can for one actually leave the house, and not give a fuck that i'm £2000 overdrawn and have no phone or internet or electric ect. (i'm in a cafe drinking soda water which is like 40p if your wondering how i posted this..)
It's like i sit in the house and expect the electric to cut off i know that it will, i used to get really angry about it but now just like fuck it.
I've got an ear infection at the moment as i'm so run down but it doesn't really bother me too much. Couldn't even afford medication, did not know that we have to pay for prescriptions now if your student over 18 which is so lame. Thanks back to home though with a helping hand.

I'm quite happy to flit around from job to job and not work in a shitty call centre. I quite like the lifestyle i'm living now, basically making the most out of anything for fun and make ends meet. Me and my housemate spend most nights drawing or smacking the pony and watching David Attenborough documentaries  Though honest to god, doing that does replenish my mind, and cures me i swear. Perfect remedy for an aggy person.
I keep saying every night i will go wheatpasting though, i reckon tonight maybe if i don't go out i will get my shit together ready for a pasting next week. Too long and overdue, plus i keep seeing some shit pastes around town.

Monday, 4 July 2011

Used to have it so good.

Bitches and riches and the world.
Now i have just myself, no money and bournemouth (which ain't so bad.)
I can't think what is wrong with me, i just don't think i should be here right now. I guess i've really started to have the grueling poor student life, but there should be more to this. I take on the shittest jobs and in my head convert it to be something good because i have no hope.
I would love to be back at uni right now, have something to actually work for. Though today just been terrified as i thought about money and how i just can't afford anything.
I keep thinking in my head why don't i just do something different, like i don't have to be here. Ideally, what i would like my life to be is to be living in Berlin and a working illustrator. Although i know i will live in London before that, somehow fuck knows with what money.

This is sort of what my hair is at the moment, dying to dye it all blue again. But i hate having to worry about not getting a job over that. 

I've signed up for a job for this company that companies like Homebase hire people out to clean, replenish and do window displays. Theres me and four of my friends are doing it, the catch is the hours are 8pm-8am, which i'm a nocturnal person could imagine being a laugh. I've always imagined what it would be like to run around a place at night when it's closed. 

Can't even afford to go to Antwerp now, horror.

Me and George always see Papyrus everywhere, kills me inside. 

I need to be more honest with what i'm doing.

My friend Lucy's blog aways inspires me and makes me think, fuck this is so brilliant.
Like this, read that.

"My friend Matt said something the other day when I was talking about the Summer job I got...and abruptly quit doing. He said "I'd rather be poor and available than doing a shitty job and not able to shoot", which is exactly how I feel. I'd rather be in a rat infested squaller, but being creative and thoughtful and producing things, than be in a comfortable, adult place and not have time to do what I love." - Lucy Brown in London Town blog, you better read it. 

I don't even know what the fuck i'm doing with myself, in my head i thought i would get some amazing job over the summer and be creating lots of things. The idea was to make a brand, but i can't even bring myself to blog or take photos or anything. I've got this job in telesales, and i'm not meant to write about it on the internet but i don't give a fuck, if i get sacked then good. I work 2pm-8pm which is alright, and its like 5 min cycle away which i can't complain. But this job actually makes me feel sick with myself, it isn't a con at all, like we are saving people money. But cold calling is horrible, i would never give my card details over the phone and the only people who do are old people which there i question my morals in life of having to take advantage of the elderly. I feel its like an insult to my grandparents, but they said a job is a job do what you have to do. But being there makes me feel uncomfortable being in my skin. 

I took working in places for granted, like Fopp i had it so good there, everything i dealt with was something i was interested in. Surrounded by lovely things, HMV wasn't so nice, was all focus about money. Plus the people were tragic in that shop, by a small degree. And now this job, i just don't have the time to sit down and sort out shit. Or begin to draw or anything, i cycled back home with guilt and feeling unsure. 

Last friday i went on a mad one, abit worrying actually. Like it was brilliant, but then yet stupid. If i'm going to write about this then i should just be honest. I don't care really, my name isn't on this blog and people who follow me know me whatever. Plus everyone has done drugs and denies it whatever, i'm an art student i will be cliche and typical, but what can you do.

This is bournemouth pier at night. I ended up on friday intentionally staying in and getting wonky, to going out to Dusk paying £8 to get in and walk right out of the club. Was awful, then bumping into an old friend. Who josh and i both knew, i knew Elsa from college and Josh knows her from Benicassiem however you spell it. Like it couldn't be any more odd, and bizarre that we all meet on the street at the same time.
So we formed troops and went to find cheap drink, all the clubs are so expensive i don't justify spending £4.00 for a shot and mixer, fuck that. So we went to golden supermarket my favourite off license always saves me. Then headed to Springbourne for a house party, haven't been to one in a month was starting to miss them. Was ridiculous though, massive house, sick decks and random people, made acquaintances with a crack head who dressed up smart because he could hear it down the street and decided to come. He had no front teeth. 

Then went to xchange met some ridiculous people with base, 5am swimming in the sea, (i'm shorting this cos i'm laughing my head off on the phone with jayson to bobs burgers) And then had a fag with joe on mossytoe (the roof that we sit on.)
Any way yeah was swimming in the sea and under the pier, and i could see right to the bottom even when it was deep and all the crabs that were scuttling around.

We ended up at some gay made shag pad and he whipped out his sex swing. Was amusing.