Used to have it so good.

Bitches and riches and the world.
Now i have just myself, no money and bournemouth (which ain't so bad.)
I can't think what is wrong with me, i just don't think i should be here right now. I guess i've really started to have the grueling poor student life, but there should be more to this. I take on the shittest jobs and in my head convert it to be something good because i have no hope.
I would love to be back at uni right now, have something to actually work for. Though today just been terrified as i thought about money and how i just can't afford anything.
I keep thinking in my head why don't i just do something different, like i don't have to be here. Ideally, what i would like my life to be is to be living in Berlin and a working illustrator. Although i know i will live in London before that, somehow fuck knows with what money.

This is sort of what my hair is at the moment, dying to dye it all blue again. But i hate having to worry about not getting a job over that. 

I've signed up for a job for this company that companies like Homebase hire people out to clean, replenish and do window displays. Theres me and four of my friends are doing it, the catch is the hours are 8pm-8am, which i'm a nocturnal person could imagine being a laugh. I've always imagined what it would be like to run around a place at night when it's closed. 

Can't even afford to go to Antwerp now, horror.

Me and George always see Papyrus everywhere, kills me inside. 

I need to be more honest with what i'm doing.

My friend Lucy's blog aways inspires me and makes me think, fuck this is so brilliant.
Like this, read that.


"My friend Matt said something the other day when I was talking about the Summer job I got...and abruptly quit doing. He said "I'd rather be poor and available than doing a shitty job and not able to shoot", which is exactly how I feel. I'd rather be in a rat infested squaller, but being creative and thoughtful and producing things, than be in a comfortable, adult place and not have time to do what I love." - Lucy Brown in London Town blog, you better read it. 


I don't even know what the fuck i'm doing with myself, in my head i thought i would get some amazing job over the summer and be creating lots of things. The idea was to make a brand, but i can't even bring myself to blog or take photos or anything. I've got this job in telesales, and i'm not meant to write about it on the internet but i don't give a fuck, if i get sacked then good. I work 2pm-8pm which is alright, and its like 5 min cycle away which i can't complain. But this job actually makes me feel sick with myself, it isn't a con at all, like we are saving people money. But cold calling is horrible, i would never give my card details over the phone and the only people who do are old people which there i question my morals in life of having to take advantage of the elderly. I feel its like an insult to my grandparents, but they said a job is a job do what you have to do. But being there makes me feel uncomfortable being in my skin. 


I took working in places for granted, like Fopp i had it so good there, everything i dealt with was something i was interested in. Surrounded by lovely things, HMV wasn't so nice, was all focus about money. Plus the people were tragic in that shop, by a small degree. And now this job, i just don't have the time to sit down and sort out shit. Or begin to draw or anything, i cycled back home with guilt and feeling unsure. 


Last friday i went on a mad one, abit worrying actually. Like it was brilliant, but then yet stupid. If i'm going to write about this then i should just be honest. I don't care really, my name isn't on this blog and people who follow me know me whatever. Plus everyone has done drugs and denies it whatever, i'm an art student i will be cliche and typical, but what can you do.

This is bournemouth pier at night. I ended up on friday intentionally staying in and getting wonky, to going out to Dusk paying £8 to get in and walk right out of the club. Was awful, then bumping into an old friend. Who josh and i both knew, i knew Elsa from college and Josh knows her from Benicassiem however you spell it. Like it couldn't be any more odd, and bizarre that we all meet on the street at the same time.
So we formed troops and went to find cheap drink, all the clubs are so expensive i don't justify spending £4.00 for a shot and mixer, fuck that. So we went to golden supermarket my favourite off license always saves me. Then headed to Springbourne for a house party, haven't been to one in a month was starting to miss them. Was ridiculous though, massive house, sick decks and random people, made acquaintances with a crack head who dressed up smart because he could hear it down the street and decided to come. He had no front teeth. 

Then went to xchange met some ridiculous people with base, 5am swimming in the sea, (i'm shorting this cos i'm laughing my head off on the phone with jayson to bobs burgers) And then had a fag with joe on mossytoe (the roof that we sit on.)

Any way yeah was swimming in the sea and under the pier, and i could see right to the bottom even when it was deep and all the crabs that were scuttling around.

We ended up at some gay made shag pad and he whipped out his sex swing. Was amusing.

Prototypes..

Currently waiting to buy a new sewing machine ect..
Which won't be for a long while, i spunked up £60 last night in a shit club and doubles. Ah well.
Here are some bags i've been making, they ain't great but they will do.

I didn't have any bondaweb to applique it so it looks pretty shabby.

I think it looks too cutesy and i'm not too keen on that. Got some other ideas, just can't wait to buy a screen to start printing!

Reminiscing of the good old days...

Fuck. Only came back for a couple of days and i've been ranting like an old lady how i much i've missed the place. I say that now, i might hate it tomorrow...
Went to Cambridge today had a stroll around with my sister and went to Teri Aki. Was completely flooding with rain but i still liked it, i have so many certain moods and disposition of the place. Was by far the best place to go to college to, just the whole place to run about sticking up work and something different every day.
I put some stickers up obviously, felt like should reclaim some lost space.. not that it was much, was meant to send these stickers to an artist called List in Berlin yet, due to my laziness haven't made duplicates.

I wish i had more on me, only had a couple. Hopefully will be back on saturday if i make some more and dot some around. Made me happy to see other peoples stickers knocking about.

I always wanted a catapult when i was younger, i don't know why i haven't bought one yet. Might ebay that now..

But yes, i went to Long Road today too, as a boy in the market gave me a leaflet to a exhibition long is doing. And it was funny that this guy knew who i was, i'm a living legend through Long Road apparently. Damn right i outta be. But yeah i picked up some sketchbooks today, some real old stuff. 

Was crazy, the stuff that was in it. Has given me a better look at what i was wanting so much then, so probably get my act back together. 

This is a picture that Dan took on a Polaroid he has adapted.

I HAVE CHANGED FOR THE WORST. 

Was also great to see Becky and Dan, who i used to see on a daily basis to very rarely now. I will definitely make a habit of popping into Long whenever i'm in the hood.

And obvs leave my mark around...

But yeah good to have a break from Bournemouth for a bit, was feeling abit sick. Jus waiting for the current mood to pass on through, need of a change of time. Can feel it in the vibes, everyone can not be fucked to do anything and i hate it. 

Like just recently i've discovered Boscombe, which is appalling as it's 10 mins cycle away from me. The best Antique and vintage shops and oddities are there. I think it will be the place i go to more than Bournemouth Square, i hate it there. Also when i get back before i start my shift at 2pm gotta check out the Coy Pond and Westbourne. 

Done with laziness and doing fuck all. 

Just stick some things on my travels.

Joe and I cycled so far, that we made the cheesiest pasta bake known to man. Prime.

I should really probably sleep.

But i get like this, i look forward to the next day and just can't sleep as i find trying to go to sleep excruciatingly awful. Especially back in this old bed, it's so low and odd. 

Though seeing the Axolotls at Pets Corner in Harlow, i hope that they are having a happy and fulfilling life, more that i could ever give them. As i weren't there to ever see them being in Bournemouth. 

Nice day with the G-rents, will be good.

Summat i drew up out of insomia.

I really want to go out but feel bad if i do, what a pickle.

Three punnets of Cherries, 2 Pepsi Max, ibuprofen and a little bag of minstrels..

is what i ended up getting on the way to the gym and ended up not going..
Today is a write off, its the one day a month i can allow ha.
I've finally got a job now in Telesales, which is okay because i am going to be rolling in bitches and riches.
When i get my paycheck in first thing i will buy is a screen printing set and start making stuff that i could possibly sell!

Jus been playing around with some National Geographics i bought from a car boot sale. Twenty copies for £1, bargain.

At first when i made these sort of collages i didn't really understand why i made them. But when i dug a little deeper it all makes sense really, it is something about me ha.

Rant.

I hate the world. Why won't any one hire me? or stop sending me ridiculous bills i.e. Sewage bills £371.24, or have successful job interviews? I've signed up for job seekers allowance, thats right the dole. But i reckon i do need it, as i've been searching high and low for a job, the worst thing is when you have an interview and they don't even call back to tell you the verdict. Thanks a heap Lush, you bunch of soap fucking vegetarians. To think i slaved over making them a covering letter, yeah you had to make them something, and go through two sets of interviews before you know if you got the job? Fuck off Lush, your standards are too high for selling mud.
My last hope before i want to hang myself is Card Bar in town tomorrow, if i don't get this job then i will slit my eyes. I will feel sorry for myself as i have received the worst hand of cards in life, no exaggeration. And if you think differ i will slap you with that deck.
Rant to be continued..